The Dark Knight Flops

This post is late but necessary. And as a woman’s Aunt Flow would say: BETTER LATE THAN NEVER!

I’m a huge Batman fan. I mean…HUGE! I liked all of the movies (even the 1 with Val Kilmer which was a total fail), I watched the shows, I can do the Batusi, I even own Batman themed underoos! See? Huge. So when I give this review…please understand that it PAINS me to say such things about a project that is Bats related…

I had just really gotten back into the comic book scene and picked up Knightfall volume 1 when The Dark Knight Rises was announced. Boy was I excited! We finally get a REAL movie about “The Man Who Broke The Bat” better known as BANE. AMC announced their Dark Knight Trilogy event and of course I had to go! Who cares if that meant I had to sit still for 6-8 hrs straight? So what I’d have to walk the mean streets of NYC at 4 am after it was all done?! THIS WAS BATMAN! THIS WAS BANE! THIS WOULD BE EPIC.

Batman Begins reminded the crowd of the struggle our hero went through to get to where he was (also reminded us how horrible Christian Bale sounded). The Dark Knight woke the crowd up with Heath Ledger’s BODACIOUS (yes I said bodacious) Joker, and Aaron Eckhart’s totally unnecessary and forgettable Two Face. Yes! The crowd was electrified and ready as it grew closer to the anointed time…it was time for the Bat…to be broken!

The movie begins…and apparently the Bat is already broken! Time has passed since after his fight with The Joker and our hero is still somehow healing emotionally, spiritually and physically. Mourning over the lost of his love Rachel the Bat has hung up the cowl! Now stop right there. The Bats I know and love would never give up the cowl for a dame. Nope not MY Bats. Who is this pussy whipped impostor?! And why isn’t he mourning a better looking love?! Bruce is a P-I-M-P.

We meet a Catwoman in the form of Anne Hathaway. Now this is the surprising thing for me…I liked Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. She actually pulled it off! So brava Anne! The only thing missing from this Cat is the Cat in heat energy towards the Bats. We saw it between Michael Keaton and Michelle Pfeiffer. We saw it with Adam West and Eartha Kitt. Where was the kink? The lust? Where was the desire? I failed to see or at least believe any of that existed between those two. But then again it might be because Christian Bale comes off as a cold fish at times on the screen.

Enter now the man of the hour. The man we all came to see: BANE…and he’s Scottish. And his vest is apparently too tight since he’s always tugging on it…what the hell? Tom Hardy physically matched the greatest that is Bane. But dude…what the fuck was up with that accent? Bane was born in a prison on a SPANISH island. He was not Sean Connery.

The story itself was atrocious. It had potential but it had so many holes in it and sure as hell wasnt Knightfall. Bane was trying to free Gotham from itself? Bruce Wayne’s BILLIONS were stolen and he did nothing to fix it? He just shrugged and said cool? He didnt have lifelock? Bane broke Batman’s spine and he was able not only heal quick as hell but also LEAP to safety to escape the prison? It was Tahlia all along?! HE’S ROBIN?! Batman was able to re-enter a cut off Gotham City undetected? Oh he walked from the island? Where was he? New Jersey? So. Many. Holes.

So yes for all of these reasons and possibly more that escapes me at this moment…THE DARK KNIGHT RISES SUCKED. Did I expect it to match Knightfall pane for pane? Of course not. It would be impossible. But to completely change the story but attempt to convey the same concept? They utterly failed in this fan’s eyes. Batman in the book was broken completely. So bad that another man had to take over the cowl. The Dark Knight Batman was broken before Bane even got to him…with a brokenheart. Boomuthafudginhoo. And the back breaking scene was so anticlimactic that I almost got up and left.

Yes. I am a bitter Batman fan that feels cheated. I will never forgive Nolan!

EmpressGeek